updated 02.07.2005
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My Goldfish Died
>Little
eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was doing, he asked, "What are doing there, Nancy?"
>"My
goldfish died," Nancy sobbed, "and I've just buried him." The
obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big
hole for a little Goldfish, don't you think?"
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SWEDISH MATH
Sven wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.
Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Swede says, "Dat is easy." And he
proceeds to
draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Sven.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
Sven stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Swede, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
Sven stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and
makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like this one.)
Sven leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
_____
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Top 10 Dog peeves about humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny
at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop
it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food
chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry,
but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both
know the truth, you're just jealous .
My heart goes out to dogs. They are sooooooooooo! misunderstood.
Enjoy your day. ta,ta.
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For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the
door to the freezer?
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He
was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
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Dear God:
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize to ALL of them or just the one's I actually caught?
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So... I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it that thing about carpets again?
Sincerely, Rocky
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HOW MANY DOGS
DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
American Staffordshire Terrier:
How much food will I get and how often does the bulb burn out?
Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that damned stupid lamp!
English Bulldog:
Can I eat it?
Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Hound Dog:
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z z z z z z z z
Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh?
Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
Pointer: - I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Rottweiler: - Make me.
Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So how long will it be before I can expect light?
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